I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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