Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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