You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
