I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Panties = found
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
