last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
