omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
