at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
