Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
