GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We were destined to go to rehab together
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize