We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
