he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
