don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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