Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
