I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize