i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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