nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize