I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
