Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
