I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
