I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
