More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
