I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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