You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
