mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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