yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize