I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
