haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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