Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
