I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
