If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
