If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
