a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
