So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize