90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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