Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
