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Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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