She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
