My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
