i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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