Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
