I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
