The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
