Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
