My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
