On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
