Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
