i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
