Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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