Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
