My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
