I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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