i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How many fucks given?
0.12846
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
