Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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