it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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