what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
