Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
