He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
did i just pee glitter
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
