Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
