I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
well you can't waste a boner
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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