If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
