everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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