I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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