It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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