just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize