So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
