I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize