I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize