when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
