Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This baby is an asshole
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
